I Can’t Make This Up

– by Michael!

So, we usually switch writers between blog posts. Not always, but usually. This week was going to be Joanie’s, and it’s REALLY good, but you’ll have to wait another week because I honestly couldn’t justify not putting this story up as soon as possible.

This is real life, folks. I haven’t had two or three or ten years to embellish this. The following dialogue occurred this past Saturday while I was visiting my parents – I have not had a week, a year, a decade to embellish and expand upon this story. In the immortal words of Dave Barry, “I can’t make this up.”

Here goes.

(Scene: Immediately before dinner. Dad and I are standing shoulder to shoulder, backs erect, as though comparing height. There is no purpose to this, mind you. We are simply being weird for no particular reason.)

Me: Um, what are we doing?

Dad: I have no idea.

Mom: Well, what you’re not doing is looking like father and son. You two just look nothing alike. (Side-note: I agree. I look nothing like my Dad. Or my Mom. Seriously, nothing alike. What gives? Anyway, back to the story.)

Dad: (turns around so that his back is facing my mother) How about from this angle?

Mom: …

Me: No, I have a much nicer butt.

Dad: Pshaw! As if!

Mom: Well, honey, it’s more that he actually *has* one…

(Laughter, most of it uncomfortable, most of it from me. We set the table, still giggling, then gather around it to say the blessing, for which we traditionally hold hands.)

Dad: Father, I thank You for my beautiful wife and for my sons and my daughter. We pray that you would bless us as we share a meal together and give us the strength to follow You in all things. In Christ’s name, Amen. (Leans to kiss Mom.) You’re my sweetie. (Looks at me.) You’re just a fat-ass.

Naturally, I disputed the charge and took a picture.

See? Nothing alike.

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