Now Hiring: A 21st Century Employee

From Joanie:

So we all know that unemployment is high right now. And so many people I know are out of work, or unhappy in the work they’re doing, but unable or unwilling to find something else (hey, I’m one of those…my “day job” to fund my artistic endeavors makes me want to slit my wrists with a letter opener–there’s only so many hours in the day one can look at pictures of cats on the interwebz).

For those of you who aren’t looking, or are satisfied (or satisified enough) with your current position, the gut-wrenching job market looks a little like this:


Our organization is looking for someone who doesn’t exist.


  • B.A., B.S., B.F.A. M.A., PhD, JDL, MD, CPA, DDS, CDL, Six Sigma
  • Experience with nuclear engineering
  • Excellent research and writing skills
  • Ability to pat head and rub belly at the same time
  • Mind reading for assigned tasks with incomplete instructions
  • Competency in wizardry and the dark arts
  • Ability to quickly learn new processes
  • Ability to tell jokes and translate Shakespeare into binary code
  • Proficiency in Microsoft Office, Adobe Suite, C++, HTML, PHP, CPL and JavaScript
  • Valid driver’s license
  • Valid hunting license
  • Valid piracy license
  • Experience in real estate
  • Experienced trial lawyer
  • Welding, calendar management, and ability to fly are a plus

Tasks and duties

  • General office support
  • Helping to bury the bodies and/or cover up products and policies that result in mass death
  • Defending organization from the Kracken
  • Develop feature articles, opinion pieces, and news items
  • Spin plates while answering phones
  • Collaborate with creative directors, art directors, and writers developing stories for a variety of editorial projects
  • Sell pay-per-click advertising (PPC) services to small to medium sized employers
  • Strong communicator, very detail-oriented
  • Space exploration and time travel
  • Design roller coasters and other amusement park rides
  • Work independently and with teams, juggling many projects and internal clients and partners
  • Manage time effectively and learn quickly, stay calm under pressure and excel in fast-paced project timeframes
  • Explain characteristics, uses, dosages, effects and side effects of promoted drugs
  • Surgical procedures, including battle wounds sustained in weekly company meetings
  • Other duties as assigned, which can include: copying, lying to people on the phone, lengthy and unproductive meetings, picking up the CFO’s children’s skis on the other side of town, throwing out the old milk in the company fridge, editing detailed descriptions of child abuse, chasing bats out of company housing with tennis rackets, ordering 24 sandwiches that are not on the menu of a restaurant, etc.

One comment

  1. I am with you! I am vastly underemployed and now get excited about $65 pay checks. I yelled at a homeless person begging for money while I was depositing one the other day. Something about us both qualifying for food stamps. But, it will get better. It has to, right? Right?! Plus we have the love of good men, price above rubies and all that. Love from San Francisco!

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