Here comes Krampus!

from Joanie:

So I’m tired of hearing about the Elf on the Shelf.
I’m not a parent, and most of the parents I know hate that little thing. They feel like underachievers because they are not destroying their home and inviting in ants to create a scene for the Elf, or they are annoyed at how the Elf encourages the rampant consumerism that is already teeming in the time leading up to Christmas.
And he’s got to go.
So I’ve come up with an alternative. One that won’t be popular with parents who want to create a magical Christmas for their children. One that is more for parents who want children to behave more out of fear of punishment than of the possibility of reward.
Krampus on the Shelf.
FETCH ME A SWITCH!
I made Krampus out of craft supplies I already had, so compared to the $29.95 the Elf costs, it’s a bargain. Using the pre-existing craft supplies lends him a creepiness that is necessary for a true Krampusnacht.
Not familiar with Krampus? He comes from Austrian folklore, was originally associated with the Solstice, and eventually became part of Christmas—he is friends with St. Nick (aka Santa), and while Santa hands out presents to good little boys and girls, Krampus beats bad little girls and boys with a switch. And if they’re really bad, he drags them away to eat.
If that doesn’t make a kid behave, I don’t know what will.
Krampus judges adult reading material as well.
YOU READ DAN BROWN? NAUGHTY! FETCH ME A SWITCH!
Sidenote: Krampus on the Shelf does not take responsibility for children peeing themselves in fear. But he does encourage reading long historical non-fiction, such as The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich.
READ ME A STORY! FETCH ME A SWITCH!
Pre-order your Krampus on the Shelf for next year (seriously, if you want one of these, I will make more of them. It was kind of fun, and it can end up on Etsy if I have enough interest).
Enjoy the terrified expression on the faces of your children, who will be relieved when they receive presents at Christmas from Santa, rather than waking up cold in a sack in Krampus’s cave on Christmas morning.
Krampus can even serve as a warning for those late night tasks you don’t feel like doing, especially when you’ve said “Put your toys away!” a million times:
DIDN’T LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS? FETCH ME A SWITCH!
Merry Krampusnacht, and Merry Christmas from Cure for the Common Crazy!!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.